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For those who need it, chronic reassurance is never enough to completely calm down. Ultimately, those who need so much control and so much predictability more than anything else must come to tolerate letting go and allowing others to decide how they feel about them: good, bad, or neutral.


There’s a great line in Henry David Thoreau’s Walden: “Give me the truth instead of love, then money, then fame.” When we value self-image Above all, we expect the world to adapt to us, without worrying about, or even abhorring, its natural unfolding. So when we look for reassurance, we are rarely concerned with the validity of what we want to believe. When they are clearer and more honest, some people who tend to obsess may even say things like, “Why can’t you just lie to me?” In seeking reassurance, we are actually trying to dominate, at best trying to influence opinion and at least trying to control the external narrative. Some control by fearwhich is the most obvious, while others exercise control through pity.


How many relationships have you stayed through? debt? How many times have you wanted to go away, but you couldn’t because you knew your partner couldn’t handle your absence? Chronic reassurance fulfills individual needs, but at high long-term costs. And that price is passed on to everyone involved. Obsessive-compulsive These tendencies involve black-and-white thinking, which can lead us to believe that external relief is the only way to deal with anxiety. That narrow perspective leaves us blind to other options and the long-term unsustainability of our chosen coping mechanism, both for our relationships and for ourselves.


Using others to calm down is a form of self-soothing because we hope to internalize their beliefs, which essentially means we use them to believe what we want. Yet our ability to cheat ourselves is often severely limited. Those who need chronic reassurance inevitably begin to question the foundations of their lives and obsess over how honest others are. “Are they just being nice to me?” “How can they really know that everything will be okay?” “Are they qualified to judge my talent?” To control others, and especially their perceptions, we must control our minds, but obsessive-compulsive tendencies are anything but self-control. For the ‘disease’ of self-doubt, if it can be diagnosed as OCD, offers no sense of security and no real comfort; it always wants more, especially when somewhere deep down we know we are lying. And how can it not? We cannot unknow what we know. And if we lie to ourselves, the questions in this regard do not stop once the idea of ​​doubt arises in our mind, which it will eventually do. Lies are usually transparent veils.


So if we value self-image over truth, there isn’t enough praise to sustain it; the truth always wins in the long run. You could even call that an existential fact.


I believe that Thoreau valued truth above all else because he accepted its place in the universe, its totalitarian rule over us. His needs were nothing compared, and resistance was futile. These are humility and character, which, with acceptance, seemed to be at the core of him self-confidence; his ability to recognize and adapt to reality formed his solid foundation self-esteem. OCD brings with it the unfortunate dichotomy of feeling completely out of control on the one hand, and believing that one can achieve it on the other. As a culture, we often focus on building trust, but trust can easily fail because trust is usually a false sense of control. Ultimately, we can’t really know who we are or what others think of us. So even if your friends completely believe what they say they do, it doesn’t necessarily mean that most others agree. There is no essential self waiting to be revealed to the world.


Therefore, trust is only a small step, which must be based on and supported by love for the truth. I often ask my patients if, in a valuable area, they can identify someone who believes in them so much that it might lessen the sting of future rejection. And while this is a form of truth appreciated by an admirable other, the question of how to lose their respect always arises. “What if they realize I’m a fraud?” Well, your love for the truth and your willingness to let them make up their minds about you one way or another should sustain you. On the one hand I could say, let’s look at the likelihood of you losing their respect, and on the other hand I would point out the importance of respecting that individual enough to allow him or her to make his or her own to form an opinion.


Fundamentally, this position requires that you place reverence for others and for life above the desire to see yourself as perfect. It means abandoning the quest for dominance and taking up a much smaller space. It gives people the opportunity to have their tastes, preferences and even prejudices (unless they lead to that). discrimination). It is the fundamental truth that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that it outweighs your right to a good reputation. Paradoxically, or counterintuitively, this attitude tends to make us more sympathetic.



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